I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize