how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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