It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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