The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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