I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
