remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
