last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I love how my cats smell like pot.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
