Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
