I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i love accidental penises.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
