I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
