Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
