I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
