Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
