He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
