Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
