Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
