Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
