I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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