Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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