I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
