I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
