Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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