toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
