I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
