you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
