I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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