I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
