I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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