Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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