It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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