I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So vagazzling was a success
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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