she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
