How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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