We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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