I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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