I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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