So drunk its hurt
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
