Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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