____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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