and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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