Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
