I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
smell my finger.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
