I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
there is glitter all over my balls
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
