I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
