Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
