I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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