I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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