this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
