I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Randomize
