When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
