she looked like the before picture.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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