yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
