I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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