Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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