So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
