im having a threesome with these popsicles
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
