After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
