We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
