just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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