Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
